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Marriage & Wedding Information |
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Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Wont Talk
How to get a spouse's attention so that he or she will communicate with you is an issue that mystifies many couples. Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally, yelling and screaming. If you are having problems getting your spouse to talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you have to grab your spouse's attention, which is what these tips are designed to do. 1.When you're talking to your spouse and start getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it. This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud yelling. If your spouse asks what you're doing, just say that you read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your partner will decide to try it, too. 2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating your feelings, requests, or questions. Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting you. For example, you might say, "When you call me horrible names, I feel like I've been betrayed. I don't want anything to lessen my love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won't feel the same way toward you. Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?" 3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him when you both will be uninterrupted. Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going out for a meal. Obviously, you wouldn't want to discuss your most emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future time to talk about the more sensitive topics. 4.When you give your spouse a card or note asking if you can schedule a time to talk, include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing gum-some small item that shows you pay attention to what your partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says, "To my sweet Sweetie-could you please let me know when we can schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!" 5.Make a written list of your questions and include a "yes" and "no" box next to the question. Also include boxes that say "Undecided" and "Need More Details." Be as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of possible activities and places to go on a "date night" and ask your partner to respond. In that case, you would put a category of "Other suggestions" at the bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse agrees or disagrees. 6.Look for something to "trade" with your spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax. In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent relationship issues-maybe a relative can keep the children or they can spend a weekend afternoon with friends. Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests doing in exchange for some "talk time," which your spouse may equate with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off. 7.Just because you think the tips won't work, don't prematurely discount them. I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often been amazing. Spouses who don't normally express feelings verbally sometimes respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things they didn't realize before. Use these seven tips to jumpstart your thinking about different ways to open communication channels with your spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That's what all successful researchers do-and they don't hide behind the words, 'It'll never work." Experiment with an open mind and you may be surprised at the results. Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get weekly ideas and support to help you improve your marriage. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.
MORE RESOURCES: Every Time Jennifer Lopez Played a Bride on Screen Through the Years: From ‘The Wedding Planner’ to ‘Marry Me’ Yahoo! Voices Rita Ora Recreates Wedding in ‘You Only Love Me’ Video as She Confirms Taika Waititi Marriage Rolling Stone On the Fifth Try, a First Date to Remember The New York Times I'm Getting Married! But How Can I Afford the Wedding? Yahoo Finance Some questions about the Bidens' 1977 Catholic wedding Catholic World Report Shotgun Weddings Were Not That Unusual Back in the Day The Philadelphia Tribune Ask Amy: Our wedding photos revealed the scene I had missed The Mercury News Leon County Clerk offering free Valentine's Day wedding ceremony Tallahassee Democrat Wedding Monroe Evening News KL Rahul-Athiya Shetty wedding: How much tax will the newly-married couple pay for expensive wedding gifts? Zee Business With Their Wedding, a Place of Pain Becomes a Site of Love The New York Times ‘Forced marriage is painful’: bride’s wedding breakdown in China goes viral South China Morning Post Sidharth Malhotra dances with bride at Delhi wedding, shyly changes subject when asked about his marriage with Kiara Advani. Watch The Indian Express Model Jodie Kidd has still not fixed a date for her wedding more than a year after she got engaged Daily Mail Shreya Ghoshal's Brother Gets Married In A Spectacular 'Two States Wedding', Bride Looks Prettiest BollywoodShaadis.com How Couples Are Incorporating Pickeball Into Their Weddings The New York Times The President and First Lady Announce the Marriage of their ... The White House After a First Date at Popeyes, Marriage Was on the Menu The New York Times Your dream wedding might not be legal – time to update England's old-fashioned marriage laws The Conversation Supreme Court Hears Arguments on Whether Wedding Website ... Ogletree Deakins The Best Wedding Planning Tips for Older Couples or Second ... Katie Couric Media Congress passed the Respect for Marriage Act. It's not without its ... Pennsylvania Capital-Star ‘Still Growing Together,’ a Teenage Crush Leads to Marriage The New York Times New Services Allow a ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ Approach to Weddings The New York Times The Branded Marriage of Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker The New York Times Tradition Was Never Their Thing. Why Start With a Wedding? The New York Times Marriage Was Not in His Plan, Divine Intervention Changed That The New York Times Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck Wed in Las Vegas The New York Times Biden’s Granddaughter to Hold Wedding on White House’s South Lawn The New York Times |
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